delithopia

Notes from the Waxhaws

It’s OK

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I’m still not sure just how we managed to find this place in the country. An answer to our prayers and dreams we thought. This was supposed to be our Delithopia-here-on-Earth…our little sanctuary far from the madding crowd. We had a lot of plans for this place.

Delithopia-here-on-Earth

Twenty years ago, Sharon suffered a massive heart attack that left a large part of her heart dead. Luckily, she was at work when it happened, surrounded by her fellow nurses who quickly had her rushed to the emergency room. They had to zap her a few times to bring her back from the brink…but she pulled through. Ten years later, when we met, she asked God to give her at least another ten good years. She made it a little past that, although there was a lot of pain and suffering she had to endure during our time together, from what now seems like countless surgeries. When we moved into this house two years ago, she was already starting to slow down…the condition of her heart was catching up with her.

The day she died, 4 months and 13 days ago, all of our plans came to an abrupt halt. There are still a lot of things that need to be done here…but my heart isn’t in it right now. Instead of being Our lovely little place in the woods, it’s now turning into My anchorhold…where I can sit and quietly contemplate the meaning of it all (I’m still trying). It seems our prayers aren’t always answered in a way that we expect. I still think that this place was a gift to us from God…but I’m a bit uncertain, at the moment, of His reasoning.

“…disasters do happen and our pictures of how our lives should be are blown away. Then we have a choice: do we face the disaster directly and make it our practice or do we run once again, learning nothing and compounding our difficulties?

…The more we have experienced life in all its guises as being OK, the less we are motivated to turn away from it in an illusory search for perfection. All of our lives bring problems— or are we given opportunities? Only when we have learned how to practice and can choose not to escape our opportunities but to sit through our anger, resistance, grief and disappointment can we see the other side. And the other side is always: not my will but Thine be done—the life we truly want.” Charlotte Joko Beck in Everyday Zen

It’s difficult right now to say…It’s OK…or…I’m OK…but I’m trying…

Written by Jim

June 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Posted in Grieving

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